


Naruto Nonsense

by Phlebas



Series: Courting Culture Confusion [9]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Baby Wearing, Because the rest of this series takes everything seriously, Crack Treated Seriously, Cultural Differences, Enthusiastic Consent, Explicit Consent, F/M, Fix-It, Good Parent Namikaze Minato, Good Parent Uzumaki Kushina, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Marriage Hunt AU, My First Work in This Pairing, NO rape, Namikaze Minato Lives, No Sex, Parent Namikaze Minato, Parent Uzumaki Kushina, Prank Master Uzumaki Kushina, Prank Master Uzumaki Naruto, Romantic Comedy, Sort Of, Uzumaki Kushina Lives, canon-typical behaviour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:26:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28237677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phlebas/pseuds/Phlebas
Summary: Naruto, from birth to adulthood.(And how he got a boyfriend along the way.)A direct sequel toUZUMAKI UNLEASHED!andWild Wolves.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka, Namikaze Minato/Uzumaki Kushina, Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Series: Courting Culture Confusion [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2021387
Comments: 18
Kudos: 40





	1. Author’s Notes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zanahoria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zanahoria/gifts), [AwfulLoneliness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwfulLoneliness/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Escape and Evade](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27435208) by [Phlebas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phlebas/pseuds/Phlebas). 
  * Inspired by [UZUMAKI UNLEASHED!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28155882) by [Phlebas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phlebas/pseuds/Phlebas). 



> For Zanahoria, who asked for Minato wearing a papoose, and AwfulLoneliness who gave me the first two lines of a spooky ghost story.
> 
> Thank you both so much for engaging with my mad universe - you're both wonderful.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> World Building and warnings!
> 
> (Please heed them.)

This story is set in the world of _Escape & Evade_, a world in which the village was formed quite differently to cannon.

There are reasons for the differences from cannon in this story and many of them are contained in _The World Building of Escape and Evade_.

However, there are a few things that might be relevant so I’m going to put them here:

Characterisations differ significantly from cannon as the the timelines have diverged a lot over time.

Minato was never adopted into the Namikaze family and instead married into the Uzumaki clan.

They live in Konoha.

There are no Jinchūriki.

The Second and Third Shinobi World Wars never happened.

The Uchiha massacre never happened.

Zetsu is dead. 

This AU is set in Japan.

The Meiji Restoration has occurred, and Japan is no longer isolated from the outside world.

The daimyo no longer hold power. Instead of replacing the daimyo with prefectures, the shinobi villages administer the elemental countries under the divine guidance of the Emperor. They hold political power and he provides legitimacy.

There is no centralised and expansionist Japanese military. The elemental countries are far more interested in competing internally for resources and importing western knowledge.

Naruto is born in 1895, but the First Sino-Japanese War never happens and never will happen.

Warning:

Fifteen year old Naruto and Sasuke make out in one of the later chapters, but there is no sex - hands mostly above the waist and lots of kissing.

This story is written episodically and, as such, is complete as it is written now.

However, I will add more to it later once I finish _Rock the Revolution_ , the story of how Rock Lee becomes the star of Recon and crucial to Hinata’s radical revolution within the Hyūga.


	2. Parental Love - Minato and Kushina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, a small thing can change a life.
> 
> (He has a living family.)

Naruto is born into a happy and loving family.

It’s an easy birth and Minato is the only one who cries. In fact, he cries copiously, smiling all the while.

Naruto is small and perfectly formed, with pink cheeks, a little button nose, and an adorable pout. He has his father’s colouring and his mother’s lungs.

He is LOUD but also ADORABLE.

Iruka steals him constantly and carries him around so that Naruto can see the world. Kakashi finds this both cute and terrifying. For the first time, there is a Cub in his personal Pack.

Minato and Kushina do it too. Naruto is never left alone, not even for a moment. There is someone with him every second of every day.

But there are still problems.

For a start, when Minato carries Naruto on his back in the onbu, Naruto tries to eat his hair. Kushina has the same problem.

The first time Kushina tries pinning her hair up with a kanzashi, Naruto yanks it out and almost stabs himself, so that idea is abandoned immediately.

Both of them volunteer to cut their hair short so he won't end up coughing up a hairball like a cat but the other person is HORRIFIED.

Minato says “ _But it’s so beautiful!_ ” and Kushina says "YOUR HAIR IS LIKE A GOLDEN WATERFALL!” so they end up braiding each other’s hair every morning while the person getting braided plays with Naruto in their lap.

It’s part of a bigger pattern.

Minato and Kushina become the parents who worry about everything.

What Minato thinks is okay as as civilian freaks Kushina out. What Kushina thinks is okay as an Uzumaki freaks _Minato_ out.

It happens even before Naruto is born and just never stops.

Kushina: I'm pregnant!  
Minato: Sit down IMMEDIATELY AND PUT YOUR FEET UP!  
Kushina: ?????

Minato: Let him play in the front garden without supervision! Random people passing by will pat him on the head! It will be adorable!  
Kushina: NO! RANDOM PEOPLE WILL _PAT HIM ON THE HEAD_!  
Minato: ????

Kushina: *sits up bolt upright in the middle of the night* What if he doesn't want to be a shinobi?  
Minato: *sleepily* Then he'll be a civilian?  
Kushina: !!!!!

Minato: *sits up bolt upright in the middle of the night* What if he wants to be a shinobi?  
Kushina: *sleepily* Then he'll grow up to kill people?  
Minato: !!!!!

Iruka and Kakashi laugh so hard.

Then Naruto starts at the academy, and Iruka has problems of his own.

Iruka: This is what you get for pranking me when I was your genin, Kushina-sensei!  
Kushina: *face down on the table at the parent teacher meeting* Noooo….

Kakashi laughs at Iruka.

Then he gets Naruto as his genin.

Kakashi: *hauling Naruto home and presenting him in the genkan* This is what you get for marrying an Uzumaki, Minato-Sensei!  
Minato: *covers his face with his hands* Noooooo….

And then Iruka laughs at Kakashi.

Revenge is sweet.


	3. Romantic Love - Sasuke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, a small thing can change a life.
> 
> (He’s happy.)

Sasuke grows up in a happy family.

His mother comes from the line of Kikiyo-Sōsobo and his father from the line of Izuna-Sōsofu.

They never shared any ancestors, but - since Kikiyo-Sōsobo and Seto-Sōsofu were siblings and Seto-Sōsofu was married to Izuna-Sōsofu - they grew up together anyway.

So Sasuke and Itachi have high expectations for themselves.

Itachi is perfect.

Pale and fine featured, eyes alight with the Sharingan, long hair blowing in the wind, he's the epitome of Uchiha beauty.

He's also great with ninjutsu and his signature Karasu Bunshin is impressive. At 15, he's already made Jonin rank.

Sasuke at 10 is not that.

Sasuke is - to be frank - not pretty.

Instead, he's adorable.

He has a baby face!

He tries to look more grown up but nothing works. His cheeks are round, and his hair refuses to lie flat, instead spiking up like a hedgehog. It’s not quite as bad as the stories of Madara-sama say his was, but it’s more than bad enough.

All the obaa-san in the clan pinch his cheeks and try to fatten him up! He has to do extra training to burn it all off.

It's embarrassing.

At least he's good at being charming.

One smile, and everyone's willpower crumples.

It's his only achievement.

Okaa-san is pleased, though otou-san says it's cheating. She says he'll look more like Itachi as he grows older. He'll believe it when he sees it.

And then, one day outside the Academy, a boy with the longest golden hair that he has ever seen wearing the most eye searingly awful orange jumpsuit he has ever wished _not_ to see, jumps out of a tree and presents him with a handful of freshly picked daffodils.

This boy loves him.

Him!

He falls in love on the spot.

(He doesn't even know the boy's name.)


	4. Romantic Love - Naruto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, a ghost story is more than just scary.
> 
> (If you tell it right.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where Naruto and Sasuke make out.
> 
> They’re fifteen and there is no sex - everyone’s hands stay above the waist (except when Naruto playfully pats Sasuke’s bum once to make a point) and there is lots of kissing.
> 
> Please skip this chapter is that is not for you.

Naruto is amused.

He’s careful not to let it show on his face.

Fifteen is old to be camping out for the first time without his parents - even Sakura-kun did it before him and her parents are civilians - but otou-san couldn’t disagree after he passed the chūnin exams in the summer.

That’s the problem with having parents who are both civilian and shinobi. What one is okay with, the other won’t like. And they’re sneaky enough to make it a rule that both of them have to agree or he doesn’t get to do it. Ugh.

At least he’s here now.

He makes his voice as low and deep as he can, although it’s not very deep at all. He makes up for it by rasping out some of the words, making his voice hoarse like he’s been shouting, and emphasising the key phrases.

“… and after the first assassination attempt on Shodaime-sama’s children, no one ever dared to try again.”

He drops the volume so that Sasuke leans in to hear better.

“People say that there's a small forest off the coast of Hi no Kuni, right on the edge of the road to Uzushio, where you can hear the trees whispering for blood.”

Sasuke shivers and he flatters himself that it’s not the autumn breeze that causes it.

He reaches out and takes Sasuke’s hand, turning it over so he can touch the pulse in the wrist with his other hand. It’s beating hard.

Sasuke’s skin is soft and tender, so pale that the veins are visible even in the flickering firelight. He traces them lightly with the tips of his fingers, barely touching.

Sasuke shivers again.

“They say that the roots of the trees spread just like these veins, and they fed on the blood of those who dared to try and harm the people Hokage-sama swore to protect.”

He raises the wrist to his mouth and looks up through his lashes to make eye contact. Sasuke’s Sharingan is flaring and his lips are slightly parted. His breath is coming fast.

Naruto whispers the next words right over Sasuke’s pulse point.

“They say that the trees still hunger for the blood of those who would harm Konoha.”

Sasuke’s fingers close around his chin and tip his face up. His lips are kissed even as his boyfriend climbs into his lap.

“You asshole.”

More kisses.

“I can’t believe you.”

Sasuke bites his lower lip harshly.

“Freaking me out just so I’ll - ah!”

He retaliates. Sasuke’s neck is right there and he mouths the skin before gently closing his teeth on it.

Sasuke hisses. “Gods damnit!”

He laughs lowly.

It’s a good laugh. He knows Sasuke likes it.

He noses behind Sasuke’s ear even as his hands roam over his boyfriend’s back, one flirting with the hem of his shirt, the other trailing up and down over the spine.

Then Sasuke grabs the tail of his hair and yanks his face away so they can see each other properly. “You know that’s not true!”

He smirks. “Nope. Not true at all. But… it got me this,” he pats the ass in his lap, “so I’m happy to bend the truth a little.”

Sasuke makes a grumpy face. “Bend it all out of shape, you mean.”

That’s enough of that.

That hand that he’d been sneaking under Sasuke’s top strokes the bare skin at the small of his back and Sasuke arches backwards.

He takes advantage to go for the neck again.

Best camping trip ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks to AwfulLoneliness who gave me the first two lines of this ghost story in their comments on chapter 7 of _Caught and Captured_.
> 
> You’re awesome!


	5. Omake - The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, you aren’t the only one who takes advantage of having some privacy.
> 
> (Even the best plans can have consequences.)

Naruto: *toeing off his sandals in the genkan, yelling* Okaa-san! Otou-san! We’re home!

Minato: *comes down the stairs yawning, tying the belt of his sleep yukata* Welcome home! And you brought Sasuke-kun for breakfast too!

Naruto: *pointing at the love bites exposed by Minato’s sleep yukata* Otou-san! Come on! Ew!

Kushina: *coming down the stairs and draping herself over Minato’s shoulder* Oh? And what are those marks I see on Sasuke-kun’s neck then?

Sasuke: *blushes bright red* Hn.

Minato: *waves Kushina off* Dear, don’t embarrass the boy! We want him to feel welcome!

Naruto: *face palm* Otou-san…

Minato: What! He’s your boyfriend, you like him, he might be part of the family one day!

Naruto: Otou-san, I’m fifteen, not twenty! I’m not ready to be thinking about marriage!

Minato: That’s what your mother thought when I gave her daffodils. You never know, it might run in the family! *winks at Sasuke*

Sasuke: *still blushing, very softly* I wouldn’t mind…

Naruto: *aghast* WHAT?

Sasuke: *flailing a little* In the future! At some point, far away!

Sasuke: *almost whispering* I like the idea of being married to you, that’s all.

Naruto: *takes his hands* I do too. At some point, in the future, far away. And when we’re ready…

Naruto: *glares pointedly at his parents* I’ll make my OWN PROPOSAL THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Minato: *hearts in his eyes* Aw!

Kushina: *grinning wickedly* And until then, there’s always fucking. You did fuck right?

Sasuke: *about to spontaneously combust* NO!

Naruto: *at the same time* OKAA-SAN!!!!!

The End.

(For now.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kushina knows they didn’t.
> 
> She’s not encouraging them to. She raised Naruto well, and to have care for Sasuke’s comfort and consent.
> 
> She’s trolling them.
> 
> She’s also reminding Naruto that mom is watching them and ready to embarrass them if he makes bad relationship decisions.
> 
> This is not the end of Naruto and Sasuke's love story.
> 
> There will be more, but it will have to wait until after _Rock the Revolution_ is written.
> 
> In the meantime, I begin posting the triad's story. _To Tempt a Target_ posts its first chapter on Christmas Day. Consider it my present to all of you.
> 
> Have fun!
> 
> — Phlebas

**Author's Note:**

> On a completely different note, I set up a server on Discord to discuss this series and you can go poke me there: https://discord.gg/JWZckgxBwf
> 
> EDIT: I'm so sorry the link was broken! I changed it and hopefully this one works!
> 
> All the warnings for this series applies to any content that may be found on there and I swear. Just FYI.


End file.
